The Anxiety Trap

I’m in it right now.

It’s like a crab trap, complete with the feeling like I could be boiled alive and seasoned at any moment. Okay, maybe not the seasoned part. But, everything else about that metaphor feels pretty spot-on right now. I’m not sure why this is happening, but I can’t shake these feelings or really put into words what it feels like. Physically, there’s a vice grip on my sternum and I am dizzy a lot of the time.

Physically, there’s a vice grip on my sternum and I am dizzy a lot of the time. No, I haven’t hit my head recently. I have a headache, but some of that I attribute to eye strain.

I just feel…uneasy. Last night, I dreamt I was in my parent’s house and they had up a Christmas tree. It was brightly-lit and covered with decorations. Their furniture was piled into one room. I freaked out about the cleaning guy not removing everything and wondered why there’d be a tree in the middle of the summer/when no one lives there anymore.

Maybe I’m still not dealing with the feelings about my Dad passing appropriately. Every Wednesday, at around 3:15, I get teary or have a straight-out crying fit because that’s the day and time I got the call telling me he had “expired.” That was, without question, one of the worst feelings of my life.

I hate that I cannot relax under any circumstances right now. I feel super tense and I can’t unwind or put my mind at ease. I don’t know what’s happening to me.

I feel like I’m letting people down because my brain feels so scrambled.

 

 

 

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